What We Have Instead of God
by Summer Leigh Wind
Summary: "I'm scared, though," she told Albus. "So, so scared of what others will say and do if they find out." – One-shot. The first story in the "A Rose for Albus" series and Prequel to "In Someday I Believe".


_**What We Have Instead of God**_

* * *

Tossing back the quilts covering her, Rose put on her slippers and a robe. She had hoped she would fall asleep if she lay still with her eyes closed, counting racing brooms, long enough. But it seemed her mind was simply too full of the day's incident for her to sleep. Snagging _Call the Midwife_ , a Muggle book her grandparents had given her for her birthday, off her bedside table, Rose made the decision to slip down to the common room. Perhaps after reading a few chapters of the book in front of the fire she would feel tired enough to sleep.

As she shuffled past her slumbering dormmates, Rose yawned into the crook of her elbow. When she began to descend the stairs, her thoughts returned to earlier in the day with Albus. Rose wondered just how long she would be able to avoid him. Maybe she could for a day or two? No more than three, though. Rose was sure of that. They were partners in Astronomy, and on Wednesday they had a partner-based activity. If she were lucky, maybe then she would know what to do about–

Rose froze. Across the room, in the armchair closest to the common's room fire, was a familiar figure. Dread washing over her, Rose did not even dare to breath for a moment. When Albus did not turn his head away from the fire, she released a shallow, shaky breath. 'Good _,_ ' she thought. 'He hasn't seen me.' Without turning around, Rose began to walk back up the stairs.

But on the fourth step, Rose slipped. Rose just barely caught herself on the wall of the stairwell as a half-strangled yelp passed her pursed lips. Across the room, Albus's head turned. In the light of the dim fire, she could see him squinting in her direction before he put on his glasses. When he finally recognized her, he stood up. "Rose?" he called.

Righting herself, Rose ignored the way her new bumps ached on the back of her legs. Staring out at him through a curtain of red curls, she returned, "…Albus."

He sighed. "C'mon, Rose, don't look at me like that," Albus begged.

Pressing her lips thin as she pulled her hair back, she snapped, "How should I look at you then?"

His expression twisted with pain. "I'm still the same person I was this morning."

Rose thought back to earlier in the day. She remembered of the feeling of Albus's lips crashing into hers. The shock it gave her, how it ignited a heat in her that the kisses she shared with Scorpius Malfoy never had. Then of being overcome with a feeling of dirtiness once the surprise faded. Albus was her _cousin._ Cousins weren't supposed to kiss you like that, and as bad as it was that Albus had, Rose couldn't deny that a deep, ever-present (if previously suppressed) part of herself had wanted him to kiss her again. And, finally, how afterward she ran away to stop herself from doing something stupid – like kiss him back.

Now, though, all her hard work was about to go out the window. Staring at Albus, Rose realized that her carefully tucked away emotions for him had resurfaced. If her feelings had stayed in the little box she'd put them in, Albus would be right. He'd be the same cousin he was before the kiss. Since they hadn't, however…

"No," Rose said, shaking her head. "You're not."

Albus's expression turned to one of despair. "Look, I get it, you don't feel the same way I do. I won't – I won't do _that_ again."

Rose had to look away. She had always hated to see Albus upset. Now she did more than ever before. "That's not it," she said.

"What's the problem then?" he demanded, his heartbroken tone taking on an edge of anger.

Rose gnawed at her lip, thinking of how best to answer. "At the time, I was... Well, I didn't know what to think. After, I couldn't handle everything I was feeling all of a sudden and needed to get away. Now, I'm not sure what to do, because… because…" Terrified to voice what she felt, Rose beckoned him close. Cautiously, he moved forward. When Albus was within reach, Rose took his hand and threaded their fingers together. Meeting his overwrought gaze, Rose pleaded silently for him to understand from her touch alone.

Suddenly, Albus's eyes went wide with shock. "You feel the same way about me?"

Tears stinging her eyes, Rose nodded. "I'm scared, though," she told Albus. "So, so scared of what others will say and do if they find out. Being in love with your cousin, that's _backwards_. It's something Pureblood elitists do, not the Half-Blood kids of war heroes."

Staring at their joined hands, Albus said, "We just won't let anyone find out, then."

"Albus."

He lifted his face and scowled at Rose. "What do you suggest we do then?"

Rose cocked her head and shifted her gaze to just past Albus. As she stared out at the many empty couches, armchairs, and tables in the common room, Rose considered their options. They could go on being the best mates they always were in the daylight, but to be more, her and Albus would need to save it for the night. She knew, no matter how sneaky they were, there was always the possibility someone would stumble upon them in the dorms. It hadn't been terribly hard for Rose to make it into the common room without Albus noticing her, after all.

They could steal away into the greater parts of Hogwarts, she supposed. But, again, they could be found if someone else bumbled across the corridor they were in or into the classroom they'd decided to call their own for the night. What they needed was a plan, she realized. A procedure they could follow if they were found out. Meeting the anxious gaze of her cousin, Rose said, "We'll need a plan for if someone discovers us."

"What kind of plan?" Albus asked.

Rose gave a helpless shrug. "I don't know," she admitted. "I need to think of one." She frowned, a new thought striking her. "Or maybe a few. It's always good to have a back up in case the first one goes wrong."

"I think we'll need a couple of different base plans depending on who finds us," Albus added. "One of our housemates discovering us calls for you and me to do something completely different from what we'll have to do if our parents find us."

She felt panic begin to seed in the pit of her stomach. "Our parents," she whispered. "Merlin, I don't even want to start thinking about them finding us! Can you even imagine what they would do to us?"

Albus's hold on her hand tightened. "Shh… We don't have to worry about them now. It's November. We won't be seeing them again for another month and a half." A thoughtful furrow came between his brows. He said, "Or longer. It _is_ our OWLs year. It wouldn't be odd for us to choose to stay here."

Rose felt herself begin to relax. Giving her cousin a shaky smile, she nodded. "You're right. We have plenty of time."

Returning her smile with one of his own, Albus bent forward and touched their foreheads together. "Thank you, Rose," he whispered.

"For what?"

It was hard to read Albus's expression, given how close he was, but she had no trouble identifying gratitude in his voice. "For becoming mine," he replied.

"Oh, Albus," Rose murmured, a pleasant feeling warming her right to her toes. She was about to say more when, suddenly, an old memory from when they were little came to her. It was one of those rare moments where it was just the two of them, instead of the two of them and half a dozen cousins. In it, Albus was showing Rose something he had found in the tall grass surrounding the Burrow. When he turned to Rose, looking for what she had to say on his find, she could only smile. At the time, his green eyes had been luminous, focused on her as if she was all that mattered in the entire world.

Rose had thought then (and did once more) that she would follow him forever if only he would always look at her like that.

Bringing her free hand up to cup Albus's face, Rose said, "You've always had me."

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 **This was written for the "Incest Competition 2" on the Harry Potter Fanfiction Challenges forum. Those of you familiar with my previous works, _Together_ and _In Someday I Believe_ , will know my fondness for the pairing and I think also will be quite happy to know this is a prequel to both of those fics.**

 **Thoughts on the prequel?**

 **Thank you all for reading:)**


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